Feb. 3, 2005
Age 16

Why?

Joe was looking forward to visiting Michigan in June, finding a summer job, taking driving lessons and seeing his brothers and relatives again. Joe talked about graduating from high school and attending Eastern Michigan University, fixing computers as a part time job and buying a car like his brother’s new P.T. Cruiser. Joe had many things to look forward to, but didn’t make it. He intentionally took an overdose of the over the counter cough suppressant DXM with his girlfriend. She lived to tell the story, he did not.

This was not the first time he took DXM, but it was his last. DXM is cheap, legal, does not show up in drug tests and is available in 150 products sold over the counter at any drug or grocery store in name brands such as Robitussin, Nyquil and Sudafed (see links to drug tests). Joe and his friends chose to take 20-30 pills at a time because the liquid form causes nausea. What was the lure of this cough medicine? It does not show up on drug tests. Teenagers rave about it on the Internet. They say it makes them feel in control, know everything, talk to both God and aliens and hallucinate. As a mother, I only saw the shaking hands, the dilated pupils, the unsteady gait and slurred words (link to website for signs). It did not look like a wonder drug to me. After taking it, Joe would sleep all day and it was impossible to wake him up. It is a frightening drug and teenagers need to understand the dangers involved.

Joe told me shortly before his death that he would never overdose on DXM. He said that he read the websites and knew exactly how much to take. Joe reassured me that he would never take too much and that he was in control. At 16, it is easy to feel invincible. As parents, we will do anything to save our children from pain and suffering. As a result, we never gave Joe money so that he could not purchase the drug. He got it from his friends anyways. We took away his cell phone so that he couldn’t set up meetings with his friends. He snuck out his window and met them anyways. We put a password on the computer so he couldn’t contact his friends unless we were in the room. He saw them at school. Did any of these things work? In the short term yes, in the long term no. We have come to realize that love is not always enough.

Joe took a vacation in Thailand at age 11. He decided that he was going to work in Japan when he graduated from college and make a lot of money. Then he was going to spend the rest of his life in Thailand where the cost of living is less and not have to work. Part of his wish came true. We moved to Thailand to teach when Joe was 15. He loved his life, his friends and his Japanese girl friend.

Joe had a charmed life in a large, loving family. He has three older brothers in their twenties who supported him and an adoring younger sister age 14 (see photo). As parents of five children, we have given all our time and energy to the family. We are very close because we have moved together around the world. Joe was born in Michigan, lived in the mountains of Colorado, the suburbs of Virginia, near a canal in The Netherlands and in tropical Thailand. He lived for 18 months in Thailand before he died at age 16. He loved the caring people, the simple way of life and warm weather. He said he never wanted to leave Thailand. Unfortunately, he got his wish.

What Happened?

I wish I knew what was going through Joe’s head his last days. He gave no sign that he was planning to end his life. He said good bye to me and his friends as normal on his last day at school. He said “See ya later. See ya.” Nothing profound, no hugs, no notes, no phone calls. Just gone. I have heard nothing from his girlfriend or her parents. I would like to ask her some questions, but who knows if she would tell the truth. She has lied to me before with an ease that is scary. She supplied the money to rent the hotel room and the money to buy the DXM. Joe had no money or means to obtain any of these things. Did she supply the idea to end their lives? I would like to know. They checked into a hotel just outside our neighborhood and within walking distance of school.

Who would check two 16 year old foreigners into a hotel without a passport? Who would sell two 16 year olds 900 pills of DXM? Money talks worldwide. They didn’t check out of the hotel the next morning and the desk clerk couldn’t get into the locked room. He called the police and they forced the door open. It appeared as if they were both dead holding hands on the bed. The girl had vomited on herself and groaned. She was rushed to the hospital where her stomach was pumped and survived. Joe was taken to the morgue.

We saw him there peaceful in his endless sleep. We hugged and kissed our beautiful boy good bye and tucked him in for the last time. Joe was cremated in a beautiful Thai temple the next day. The Buddhist monks chanted and a bird flew in and watched for awhile. The Chinese say that a person’s soul lies in a bird. The bird flew off and we scattered some of his ashes from a boat in a river in the land that Joe never wanted to leave. The rest of his ashes are in a Thai urn in a cemetery in the city where he was born in Michigan. A Memorial Service was held in the First Baptist Church where Joe was dedicated as a baby. His dad, three brothers and sister shared their memories of Joe at the service. There was even laughter at some of his stories. His brothers stayed up for two nights preparing a slide show with Joe’s favorite music (view slideshow on link). Joe is at peace now and I hope that someday we will find peace with this event.

What Kind of Help is Out There?

Over the last year, Joe had four psychiatrists, two psychologists, and four hospitals that tried to help him fight his demons. As concerned parents, we took Joe from appointment to appointment looking for help. He changed dosages of medicine, types of medicine and never found the right one. Some anti depressants caused him to sleep all day, some caused him to shake and others kept him up at night. Some quieted the voices in his head and others caused voices. Sometimes he pretended to take the medicine and hid it under his tongue. He hid it in his bedroom or in the trash. It was like dealing with a toddler.

Joe never needed to see a therapist until we discovered that he was taking DXM. It caused him to have psychotic episodes that often scared him. Who knows if the DXM, his brain or the medicine was confusing him? He became paranoid, felt that we were against him and that we were trying to hospitalize him. We did have to put him in the hospital for a week at a time to stabilize him in Thailand. After taking an excess of DXM and barely being able to walk down the stairs, we put him in the hospital for a week and then took him straight to the airport. My husband flew with him to the U.S. where he was in a residential adolescent psychiatric hospital for 30 days with top doctors in the field. He wrote in journals about his feelings (see link to journal writing), attended group and individual therapy and learned to manage his anxiety. Joe was ready and eager to return home to Thailand for Christmas. He only lived six weeks longer.

He returned to his family, bedroom, music and friends. He tried to maintain his normal life, but soon he was exhibiting the telltale shaking and unsteady walking. He denied using DXM to us, his Dr. and his psychologist. He blamed it on side effects of his medication. We took him away for a long weekend to get him away from temptation. He slept most of the time. We wondered if he was using it again and the Dr. changed his medicine to see if he would stay awake longer. The Dr. was able to get one test for DXM as a favor. It was positive for October, but was so expensive and took so long that it could not be repeated. We had no way of proving that he was taking DXM and he knew it.

Joe had numerous visits with his therapists over the holidays. He also had out of character rages and was angry at little things. He seemed surprised afterwards at his own anger. It was almost as if he was watching himself from afar. He saw his girlfriend under controlled situations at our house. He obeyed the rules until school resumed. Then he fell apart.

How Helpful is Health Insurance?

The average length of time that adolescents used to be covered in an adolescent psychiatric facility was one year. This provided time to monitor medicine and treatment. Now it is 30 days if you are lucky. Our private health insurance would only cover residential treatment in a hospital for mental health. The Dr. had to prove to the health insurance company each week that another week was necessary. There was no coverage for any treatment or health problems with drugs or suicide. Joe was limited to 20 visits a year with a psychologist. I called our insurers so many times that we were on a first name basis. I am still receiving hospital bills months later.

During Joe’s last weeks, I begged the insurers to cover a therapeutic boarding school or facility for Joe. They refused and said it had to be a hospital and that we only had two weeks left of coverage in one. The treatment schools and facilities recommend a year minimum stay at $6000-7700 a month. The prestigious centers charge $22,000 for the first six week evaluation. My husband and I are teachers, so I applied for a loan. We only qualified for a loan for less than a year. We were willing to pay $1000 a month for the rest of our lives to pay off the loan and all of our savings to find residential treatment for Joe. We involved him in the choice by looking at websites of the schools on the Internet. He stated that he did not want to leave Thailand, his friends or his girlfriend.

I spent every evening after work searching for schools on the Internet, calling them and applying. It is a long process. The applications are 17 pages long and took me three hours to complete. The schools review time is 2-6 weeks for a decision. We did not have the time. When Joe died, he was still on school waiting lists. The day he died an application arrived in the mail for our first choice school. Educational placement specialists can speed up the process. They charge over $2000 to find the perfect treatment setting for your child. I even hired a very nice couple who agreed to help us find placement for Joe and they gave us a huge discount. After Joe died, they tore up the check and prayed for him with their church group.

We also tried government funding. We thought that the county or state would be able to help us if we moved back to the U.S. The county will only help with mental health funds if you don’t have any health insurance to begin with. Then, a family of four you can’t make more than $18,800 a year in order to qualify. The public schools provide academic help. However, many states require the parents to pay for recommended mental health help.
Contact the lawmakers in your state and demand that changes are made to health insurance in order to meet the needs of teenagers who need mental health and drug treatment. As it stands now, the treatment is only available to the very rich and the very poor.

What Support Groups are Available?

Joe’s Family

Joe is the fourth boy in a fun loving family of five children. Joe and Sarah (14) have been the only children at home after the last of their brothers left for college almost four years ago. Joe and Sarah have been best friends over the years. In elementary school, they made clothes for their stuffed animals and had fashion shows. They were writing a chapter book together that is waiting to be finished. In their teens, they shared their love of music, movies and sense of humor.
Joe had a wry sense of humor, a mischievous smile and loved to tease his brothers and sister. Last summer, when everyone was at home there were jokes, pranks and games in the pool.

His oldest brother Karl (24) set up an electronic music station hooked up to the computer for Joe. He taught Joe how to use the complicated equipment and Joe composed an intense song. David (23) is an artist and shared his love of animation on the computer with Joe. Joe created some animated cartoons and was looking forward to taking a course in it at school. John (21) is a video producer. He recently invited Joe to help him film his latest movie that he wrote.

Joe has been on sports teams at school in volleyball, track and field, cross country running and basketball ? Joe also liked to read Japanese books such as Shogun and was in the middle of reading King Rat when he died. Joe watched animated Japanese movies and studied the Japanese language in school. On TV, he liked to watch “The Simpsons” and the Discovery Channel.

As Joe’s parents, we are proud to have five children and they are the focus of our life. We both turned 50 this year. Chuck has worked in the computer software field, law and as a university instructor. He attended law school when he turned 40. His jobs have taken the family around the world. Joe was born in Michigan, and lived in Colorado, Virginia, England, Holland and Thailand. Moving together as a family has brought us closer together. Betsy has enjoyed being a stay at home mom, a paralegal, an elementary teacher, reading teacher and is now working in curriculum. She loves working with children both at home and at school.

Joe knew that he was loved dearly by every single family member, three grandparents, three aunts and four uncles and seven cousins. Our hearts are broken. We are finding comfort in talking about Joe and remembering his life. He traveled around the world with our family, loved gourmet food, fancy hotels, and theatre in London. He also enjoyed bowling, going to movies, hamburgers and video arcades. Joe was a shopper and a collector of watches, CD’s, DVD’s, clothes, and headphones. He had unusual knickknacks in his bedroom from all the countries he had visited. His prized possession was the iPod he got last Christmas from his parents and grandparents. He downloaded a variety of music and took it with him everywhere.

Joe was wrapped in a blanket of support and love from his family. Somehow we could not save him from his inner demons. We all tried in our own ways to make Joe happier. I wish we had succeeded.